god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
