I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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