haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
