it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
