Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
