I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
