Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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