if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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