Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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