There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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