So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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