it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
