The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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