Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
