Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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