I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
