hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
