Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
