Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
