Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
