Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize