The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
