they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
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It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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