this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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