What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
