I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
