we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
