How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish I only lived at night.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
