She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
