its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
