why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
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oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
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Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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