Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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