I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
