Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
