At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
