So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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