walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
