Porn is love you can see.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
