I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
