Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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