I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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