And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
