I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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