This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
