i think my mom watched the whole time
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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