Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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