Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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