You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
