did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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