My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
