i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
