He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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