I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
