Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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