well I can't set my house on fire every night
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
