Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I could fuck to npr.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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